I don't know what happened. Writing used to be so much easier than this. I can't even make comments on xanga because it takes me too long to do it! And you can pretty much forget a blog post..

I kind of want to try vlogging instead. Faster, not as much room for me to edit and pick apart. Just allow myself to shoot and post.

Then again, I'm not sure.

It takes me quite awhile to actually convince myself enough to really do things. 

I am truly my own worst enemy.

I've known this for quite some time now, but I struggle with it, this stupid eternal, internal conflict.

I'm trying to get over it. Been reading a lot of psychology/self help and spirituality books.

It's been rather calming and even if I don't necessarily agree with certain parts, I can pinpoint as to why.

I've just been taking different things from different books and kind of throwing it together in a way that works best for me individually as a person.

Kind of like what I did with my "religious" beliefs in a way. I take from mainly pagan religions, but I am certain that I will never know anything for absolute certain, so I throw agnostic out there as well. Agnostic pagan? Spiritual agnostic? Eh, I don't even care what anyone wants to label it. I just know that it works for me.

I like it when things make sense to me and I am able to understand. For the most part, as long as I can understand it, all is good.

And I'm trying to be okay with the idea that sometimes things just don't make sense and that's okay.

It's just a part of the beautiful chaos.

And I love it. All of it. And I dislike it. All of it.

But it's always beautiful in some way, whether we can understand it or not. 

*sigh*

Loves!! 

So...in case you didn't know, I'm horribly OCD.

I feel like I keep making it into less of a big deal than what it is.

For example, my bedroom will be a complete mess...and when my OCD kicks in, it just bugs the shit out of me, to the point where I can't focus on anything else until the room looks better.

And it'd be super awesome if it just stopped right there. But when I get into my "crazy" mode, nothing can stop me. I just completely flip my shit about this bedroom, and then I flip shit about the rest of the house...and crazy really is the way to describe it. And it sucks, because I can't pin point it, I can't figure out where that line is drawn. I just know it drives me bonkers and I start caring more about how the house looks than anything else.

Part of it has to do with when I had DCFS was called on me...which is kind of like a CPS...basically, someone calls in saying that your house isn't suitable for a child and the next day someone shows up to investigate. When that happened, I just bawled. I was all sorts of pissed. My best friend disagreed with me on a parenting issue (she is not a parent, by the way) and either she was the one who called...or she talked enough shit about me to her mother (who just so happens to be a social worker) and she was the one who called.

Either way, the whole situation just scarred me. I never doubted my parenting skills until that moment. My daughter could have been taken away from me! It was pretty much just the worst thing ever. And ever since then, I always try to keep my house up to those "standards" because I'm horribly afraid that it will happen again. And for me, it means spending more time cleaning my house and making sure it is in a "just so" kind of condition,  to where my daughter won't be taken away because of the way my house looks, rather than just me skipping the cleaning and spending time with my daughter at the park or something fun that she'll forever have as a memory.

It just kind of sucks. And ever since then, I feel like I constantly doubt my ability as a parent. I just feel like that no matter what I do, it's just never good enough. That for what ever reason, my daughter is going to be taken away from me, because some asshole decides that they know my whole and who I am as a person and just decides that their personal judgement on that is better than anything else.

Ugh. 

Just ugh.

And the funniest thing ever is that I'm not one of those females who "dreamed" and "longed" to be a mother. I honestly never thought that it would happen really..I just thought that, that's what is expected of me. Get married, have children...be eternally happy, right?

FUCK NO!!! It wasn't until after I lived on my own that "Wow, I'm my own person...I don't have do anything that anyone "expects" of me. I am free to do what ever the fuck I want to do" and that felt good.

I have my daughter, and because of that, I am blessed beyond belief. She honestly saved me. She is part of what helped me break free of those exceptions. I mean, hell, after you are that statistic of teen mother...what else matters? After you question everything you've ever known do you really have to throw that in there too? No, not really...it's just dependent on the person..and I don't judge anyone on anything. I have no right too. Just like no one has the right to judge me on anything. What happens, happens. I always knew I wanted "let it be" tattooed on me somewhere, but it's not until recently that I realized just how much and to what degree you have to "let it be."

"Let it Be." ...I'm just going to say that it's a hell of a lot harder to paddle upstream against the current than it is to just let it flow, let it be. We are naturally in a happy state. We just fuck it up with all these complicated things about how we feel like everything should be instead of what it is. We have so many expectations, illusions, that it makes it difficult to see the truth.

But once you SEE that truth, it makes it impossible to go back. I wholly believe it.  YOU are the one with expectations, the concepts and illusions.

FUCKIT!!!

YOU are in control of YOU.

No one else.

If you feel badly about something, it's because YOU feel badly about it. Your feeling negative is YOU making yourself feel that way.

You had the expectation and someone else let you down.

 YOU are the one that feel like your judgement of other people should be better than what it is.

That is YOUR fault, because you had any expectation to begin with.

EVERYONE IS SELFISH AND OUT FOR THEMSELVES


JUST LIKE YOU!


Even the most selfless act is selfish is because it makes YOU feel better.

Understanding that and understanding as much as you can is the most important.

You understand and it's not as big of of a thing. 

I am so beyond sick of almost my entire household.

I am to the point where I pretty much want to just move out and have my own place.

I am incredibly tired of the excuses when it comes to things that are actually important.

And it pisses me off when they say that they have tried, when I know better. 

No, if you really tried, you wouldn't be in this situation now.

But then I back up...and I'm like Okay, maybe you did try...but then you just fucking gave up instead of trying again.

You didn't try hard enough and YES! Imagine that, there are fucking consequences and other things to deal with on top of it now.

YOU got YOU here. People helped along the way, yes.

But it's your life and your responsibility, OWN UP TO IT!

 

I'm such an angry person sometimes..